Oops...

So, I was supposed to be consistently writing in this like two and a half weeks ago. I'm not totally sure why I've avoided it. I've been using the tools on SparkPeople.com -- mainly the nutrition, water, and fitness trackers. I've been eating well, and working out six days a week. I take Sundays off... because, well you know, the Lord's day and all. Maybe the taking pictures of my food stresses me out. I'm not really sure. I'll try to get in the habit this week.

I had planned on this being a food blog only, and never discussing personal life things. That's probably not likely though. I tend to share, and over-share. I'm having surgery next week... well, a week from today, actually. I'll be laid up for three weeks. I've purchased a few books to read while stuck in bed. I'm finishing up a book called "Moose: A Memoir." I bought two books at Target yesteday, but I already forgot they're called. I also got Heather B. Armstrong (of Dooce.com)'s "it sucked and then i cried." Aaand I need to finish "Ominvore's Dilemma." I read quickly, and get really focused on books... to the point I'll lose sleep, forget to shower, ignore my loved ones. So,I guess there's no better time to read all these book type things.

I just ate lunch (to get in the habit I had a whole wheat Arnold Sandwich Thin with 1 Tbsp of hummus, 1 slice of pepperjack cheese, and a Boca spicy chick'n patty). I was starving. I worked out for 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer at the gym. I walked in and the guy asked if I had a photo ID. I don't understand why sometimes they ask for it and sometimes they don't. So, I made a big fuss of it, like it was a bigger pain in the butt than it was. He asked if I wanted him to make a photocopy of my drivers license to put in a little plastic sleeve with my membership card. I said, "yeah, that'd be great."

So, the copy machine had to "warm up." We make chit chat. He asks me if the girl in the drivers license picture is really me. Nooo. It's just some ID I found in the parking lot. It's funny because I didn't think I was THAT FAT in that picture. I mean, at that point I'd lost 100 pounds, so I was feeling pretty good. Certainly better than I felt at my heaviest. I tell him it is me. And he throws out the "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" comment. I say yep. He says "Well, you look great." I say thanks. He asks if I want to be on "the wall." I say, "excuse me?" He motions over to the Member Success Stories wall. He says, "We'll put your story up, with a before and after picture. It's awesome." Thanks, but no thanks, 24 Hour Fitness Guy. I choose not to have the entire Huntington Beach 24 Hour Fitness crew know I was as big as a house at one point in my life.

When I react this way to things like that (which somehow continue to keep happening), people always ask me, "But aren't you proud?" Of course I am. I know it's a major feat to lose so much weight. But right now I'm focused on the present. And the future. I don't want to spend a lot of time rehashing how fat I was. I'd rather focus on never, ever getting back there.

I think something that's so frustrating for me is that this really feels like it'll never be anything close to resembling easy. I guess it was naive of me to ever think it'd be like that.

It's strange to have spent parts of my life on both sides of the coin -- the fat girl side, and the "skinny"
 girl side. I don't think I'll ever consider myself skinny. No matter what the number on the scale says, or what size my jeans, dresses, and bras are. I feel like I'm fooling everyone. Anyway. My experience with being kind of fat, pretty fat, and really fat was that people really just disregard you. I supposed I'd rather that than being cruel, but it's sort of weird to live invisibly. Now that I'm "skinny," people smile at me. Make conversation with me. Hold doors open. Give me things for free. It's completely strange -- the vast differences between the two lives.

I appreciate my current situation much more than my previous.

I also appreciate shopping in any store I'd like, rather than being confined to "Plus Size" retailers.

I appreciate my energy level. I appreciate running up and down stairs almost effortlessly. I appreciate how often people tell me I'm pretty now. I appreciate my lower, normal blood pressure. I appreciate not feeling like I'm being stared at when I eat in public. I'm really thankful for where I've gotten, and for the people who were and continue to be supportive of me in these major life changes.

 I guess that's the point - I also need to continue to focus on that, too... rather than how difficult living healthy continues to be.

An Introduction of Sorts

Hi there...

I've blogged before (fact: I hate the word blog) and lost interest (or became terrified of sharing too much personal information on the internets). I'm starting this blog as I enter this new phase. Over the last 3.5 years I've lost approximately 200 pounds (depends on the scale, the day, the hormones). It feels amazing to have accomplished the impossible, but learning to live like a "normal" person may prove to be more challenging. It's the first time in my entire life I've been 100% satisfied with the number on the scale (not kidding here -- not even as a 5th grader was I happy with my weight).

Now it feels like nothing but a numbers game.

After some research today, I've come to the conclusion that with my age, height, weight, and activity level I can eat up to 2,380 calories per day. I'm not comfortable with that, so I'm going to aim for 2,000. I will be taking a multi-vitamin, iron supplement, and B-12 supplement daily. (Note: I'm deficient in iron and B-12, confirmed my doctors so it's not that I'm real into pumping myself full of supplements). I'll be drinking between 64-96 ounces of water per day. I'm going to attempt to limit myself to one caffeinated beverage per day (which may include coffee, tea [iced or hot - no sugar], diet soda [I know, I know -- bad... very bad]), and limit juices to 100% fruit juice or 100% vegetable juice. And within that little column, I'll be limited that as much as possible. But I love orange juice on a Sunday, soo... we'll see.

As far as activity goes -- I enjoy running, cycling, yoga, exercise classes, strength training (this is a lie. I hate strength training), kettlebells, walking, hiking, etc. I am going to work very hard to do one of these activities a minimum of 30-60 minutes per day, 5 times per week.

I spent a hefty amount of time today researching the number of servings within all the food groups I should be eating. This may or may not be surprising, but this will be the first time I've paid SO much attention to what I'm eating. I understand portions for the most part. Infact I think most people do... they just choose to turn a blind eye. (Tidbit - I typed blond eye first... could also make sense? In certain instances... no? Just kidding). I will attempt to photograph and record every single thing I eat and drink.

Let's see...

Finally, let me be very clear. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't think a person can be very restrictive and have a healthy relationship with food. I love eating. I love eating a variety of things. I'm a huge fan of "ethnic" cuisine. Is calling a cuisine "ethnic" offensive? I honestly never know what to say. I want to politically correct/sensitive, but I'm kind of an idiot sometimes.

Oh! I also love to cook, so anytime I cook something I'll try to include a recipe.

See you tomorrow for the first real day of food & exercise blogging! (Ohh, I hate that word!)