So, I was supposed to be consistently writing in this like two and a half weeks ago. I'm not totally sure why I've avoided it. I've been using the tools on SparkPeople.com -- mainly the nutrition, water, and fitness trackers. I've been eating well, and working out six days a week. I take Sundays off... because, well you know, the Lord's day and all. Maybe the taking pictures of my food stresses me out. I'm not really sure. I'll try to get in the habit this week.
I had planned on this being a food blog only, and never discussing personal life things. That's probably not likely though. I tend to share, and over-share. I'm having surgery next week... well, a week from today, actually. I'll be laid up for three weeks. I've purchased a few books to read while stuck in bed. I'm finishing up a book called "Moose: A Memoir." I bought two books at Target yesteday, but I already forgot they're called. I also got Heather B. Armstrong (of Dooce.com)'s "it sucked and then i cried." Aaand I need to finish "Ominvore's Dilemma." I read quickly, and get really focused on books... to the point I'll lose sleep, forget to shower, ignore my loved ones. So,I guess there's no better time to read all these book type things.
I just ate lunch (to get in the habit I had a whole wheat Arnold Sandwich Thin with 1 Tbsp of hummus, 1 slice of pepperjack cheese, and a Boca spicy chick'n patty). I was starving. I worked out for 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer at the gym. I walked in and the guy asked if I had a photo ID. I don't understand why sometimes they ask for it and sometimes they don't. So, I made a big fuss of it, like it was a bigger pain in the butt than it was. He asked if I wanted him to make a photocopy of my drivers license to put in a little plastic sleeve with my membership card. I said, "yeah, that'd be great."
So, the copy machine had to "warm up." We make chit chat. He asks me if the girl in the drivers license picture is really me. Nooo. It's just some ID I found in the parking lot. It's funny because I didn't think I was THAT FAT in that picture. I mean, at that point I'd lost 100 pounds, so I was feeling pretty good. Certainly better than I felt at my heaviest. I tell him it is me. And he throws out the "wow, you've lost a lot of weight" comment. I say yep. He says "Well, you look great." I say thanks. He asks if I want to be on "the wall." I say, "excuse me?" He motions over to the Member Success Stories wall. He says, "We'll put your story up, with a before and after picture. It's awesome." Thanks, but no thanks, 24 Hour Fitness Guy. I choose not to have the entire Huntington Beach 24 Hour Fitness crew know I was as big as a house at one point in my life.
When I react this way to things like that (which somehow continue to keep happening), people always ask me, "But aren't you proud?" Of course I am. I know it's a major feat to lose so much weight. But right now I'm focused on the present. And the future. I don't want to spend a lot of time rehashing how fat I was. I'd rather focus on never, ever getting back there.
I think something that's so frustrating for me is that this really feels like it'll never be anything close to resembling easy. I guess it was naive of me to ever think it'd be like that.
It's strange to have spent parts of my life on both sides of the coin -- the fat girl side, and the "skinny"
girl side. I don't think I'll ever consider myself skinny. No matter what the number on the scale says, or what size my jeans, dresses, and bras are. I feel like I'm fooling everyone. Anyway. My experience with being kind of fat, pretty fat, and really fat was that people really just disregard you. I supposed I'd rather that than being cruel, but it's sort of weird to live invisibly. Now that I'm "skinny," people smile at me. Make conversation with me. Hold doors open. Give me things for free. It's completely strange -- the vast differences between the two lives.
I appreciate my current situation much more than my previous.
I also appreciate shopping in any store I'd like, rather than being confined to "Plus Size" retailers.
I appreciate my energy level. I appreciate running up and down stairs almost effortlessly. I appreciate how often people tell me I'm pretty now. I appreciate my lower, normal blood pressure. I appreciate not feeling like I'm being stared at when I eat in public. I'm really thankful for where I've gotten, and for the people who were and continue to be supportive of me in these major life changes.
I guess that's the point - I also need to continue to focus on that, too... rather than how difficult living healthy continues to be.
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